Thursday, June 10, 2010

Being Joblessly Successful

Magazines and newspapers often feature articles about How To Be Successful in Your Job or How To Get The Boss To Notice You.

I say... whatever. I want to know how to be joblessly successful.

So far, I think I've been extremely successful, and it's been about two years since I've had a job. Technically, it's been about two weeks, because I did get hired at a cafeteria in a nursing home, but then quit the next morning so I could see my childhood home one more day.*

I've spent some time today thinking about how I've been able to achieve this state of unemployment. I feel kind of like a real life Kramer; I do odd jobs every now and then for some cash, I don't live with my parents, and well... that's about as far as it goes.

My philosophy about being joblessly successful involves a few innate attributes, without which you may not be able to move on to the skills section of my philosophy. Those innate attributes are 1) being more intelligent than most Americans, and 2) being mildly attractive when it counts.

The first is not very difficult. I don't mean to be rude, and of course I love all sorts of dumb people. But most people are dumb. I don't consider this an insult, because "dumb" includes some very successful, very nice, very fun and charismatic people. However, being smart and mildly attractive when it counts can allow you to make the right decisions when it comes to being jobless.

For instance, I have been able to continue my education for 5 years after graduating from high school, and I will be continuing it for sure for another year at least. After next year, I may or may not have a job at a college or university. Those kinds of jobs only require you to work during class, office hours, and only in the fall, winter and spring. Hardly the winter either, because you get a whole month (or longer in some cases) off. Is that really having a job? Technically.

You can't achieve that many years of post H S school if you don't have some brains.

And if you aren't mildly attractive, it makes things like dating and flirting more difficult, and we all know the key to a free meal, free movie, free drink(s) or whatever (i.e. mini golf, vacations, gasoline) is making people want to purchase those things for you.

This also means you have to be a pleasant person. No one wants to buy things for bitches. This however, is not an innate attribute, but rather a skill. It's most definitely a skill, because I know some people who have consciously perfected both the art of bitchiness and the art of pleasantries.

When people want to spend time with you, they want to spend on you. Another for instance: This summer I have lined up a trip to Yuma, two weeks at the beach, a week on the Massachusetts coast, three days in Montreal, and three days on a lake in Maine. All for FREEEEEE.

Who has time for jobs when I have so many vacations planned? I consider my summer plans a complete and utter success... however none of this could happen if I buckled down and hit the streets with a folder full of resumes and a big PR smile on my face.

This brings me to one last element of my philosophy: That is, creating the illusion of job seeking. Phrases to be uttered in the creation of this deception: "I've put out like a million applications."

"No one's hiring."

"Obama's screwing everything up in this country; did you hear his jobs report last week?"

"People with MBA's are working as janitors now. How am I supposed to get a job as a server if everyone's got PhD's!?"

I pass on this information to you, and hopefully it isn't too late for you to be joblessly successful. Perhaps all of this advice is coming about 20 years too late... perhaps I'm only like this because since the age of 4 my dream in life was to be a college student. I think only a kid with that dream could grow up to be jobless and successful. That's what college is all about.

I gotta go... gotta continue my search for jobs in Philly.

Warm regards,


P.S. The guy in this photo is working waaaay too hard to find a job. That's what I call actually wanting a job, rather than wanting to give the impression of wanting a job.

*Clarifying Endnote: My parents recently moved out of the home my siblings and I grew up in. They moved down the street on to the 18th green of a golf course.