Monday, May 4, 2009

Contents of an Alien Dob Kit:

1. Effervescent blue spackling paste made from any type of building material (such as concrete or human bathroom tiling) used to heal neon green bleeding from thorax.

2. Personal sized Infrared Interferometer (It picked up from the equivalent of the sample-sized dollar bins at CVS) used for finding life.

3. X-Ray mirror (hand held) used for even deeper inspection of pores, blackheads, blemishes, and the like. Especially used among the metrosexual alien demographic, and of course, women aliens.

4. Miscellaneous paper that It threw into the dob kit as it rushed to check out of the hotel room in the morning:
a) The equivalent of the human palm card that contains pre-calculated tips for a list of meal prices (i.e. Cost of Meal: $20.00 --> Tip: $3.00).
The Alien's "tipping" palm card includes the elements of the Drake Equation, which approximates the number of planets containing Life:
-The rate of formation of suitable stars.
-The fraction of those stars which contain planets.
-The number of Earth-like worlds per planetary system.
-The fraction of planets where intelligent life develops.
-The fraction of possible communicative planets.
-The “lifetime” of possible communicative civilizations.

b) Other miscellany paper products randomly strewn about the dob kit, including the Soviet Union's 1967 stamp, shown at right and the receipt from Seven Eleven for a 3-pack of Magnums.

5. A vile of Expanding Liquid Water, for shaving in transit, as in--IN SPACE. And a razor: Gillette, of course.

6. A small black box nicknamed the Substrictus Alienus Cache (of course, the Alien who owns a dob kit will be in love with Roman history, and thus he names this black box in the Latin words for Small Foreign Cache).

The SAC is used as a prison for microbial life, which is the most common race of enemies for aliens. He realized however that on Earth, humans do not fit in the Substrictus Alienus Cache, and microbial life on Earth is the least of the enemies unless harnessed by Middle Easterners who then spread the microbial life in places in which the Substrictus Alienus is unhappy... and then it kills humans and other large beings.

7. a) A vile of a base dilute ethanol (70%-90%)
b) Oil of lemon, orange, or bergamot
c) A sprig of rosemary, lavendar, or jasmine
(aka Eau de Cologne)

8. A comb, with various spacing and sizing of teeth.