Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Oreo-getorix













(Oreogetorix.)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Whoops! T SHIRT TUESDAY IS TODAY!


T-Shirt Thursday is ACTUALLY T-Shirt Tuesday, SO that makes T-SHIRT TUESDAY TODAY!!!!


Sheesh, Dr. Cohen, can't you just get it right the first time?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Reminder: Much Ado About T-Shirts


Just a reminder: if you bought your high-end, tailor-made, black leather studded Florida State University English Department T-Shirt, do not wear **it tomorrow**, because **tomorrow** is GW English Dept T-Shirt Thursday. Yes, Tuesday is T-Shirt Thursday. [The previous information is now correct, although yesterday it was not.]

It's kind of like GW Monday, which is actually a Wednesday.

Oh my god! It's Hamlet! Everything's backwards!

Which reminds me of an anecdote:

Two BFF Girls walk into a hipster party. Guys are macking on Girls. Guys are macking on Guys. Girls are macking on Girls. Girls who may be guys are macking on guys who may be girls.

And each mack is assisted by the brilliant and creative moleskine owned by the hit-on-er. The hit-on-ee laughs (or doesn't laugh) as they fall in hipster artsy love.

The BFF girls eat some pretzels and drink PBR as they observe the party.

The first girl turns to her second girl and says, "Oh my god, it's Much Ado About Nothing!" But she pronounces the title in Middle English, so the pun is clear. The second girl laughs and laughs, and then they leave and go to 51st State where they get picked up by pretending they know nothing about anything and everything about 'Nothing.'***

END.

***Notes, Vagina, but not a dirty link, I promise.

This may or may not ruin the photo if I tell, but I'm just so damned proud of my skills: I totes photoshopped those Moleskines into the picture. Ha!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Post Draft #69 (and the beach is preeetty.)


So I was looking through all the posts I've written in a fit of self-absorption. As I was patting myself on the back for being wildly intelligent and insightful, esp on such posts as "Nonsensical Opposites" where I compare an African Elephant to a Pear, I came across a few posts that I hadn't published. They were just saved as Drafts.

One was one liner: "Un-disaffected Youth." And that was the entire post. I'm sure I meant it to be longer, but I was probably a bit drunk and fell asleep before completing the thought.

Another post was the following: "Queer Theory: humans are biologically created to receive pleasure from the same sex, i.e. the prostrate [sic] and positioning of the (whisper the next word) clitoris. Ew ew." Apparently I couldn't continue writing the post... hmmm I wonder what that says about me. Hopefully not a lot.

Then, I struck gold. The following was Draft Post #69 (for real, actually) and was given the wickedly pithy title: "Mai Thai"

Mai Thai

1oz Jamaican rum (Appleton Estate is good)
1oz Martinique rum (Rhum St. James is good)
1/2 oz orange curacao (not the blue stuff)
1/4 oz Orgeat syrup (not creme de almond)
1/4 oz sugar syrup (and Vic puts a little vanilla in his)
the juice of one small lime (3/4 oz approx.)

I couldn't let DWTD readers miss out on this recipe which is totes fab fab.

Enjooooy. Don't get too liquored up.

"Oh my is that Ducks Reader in the bag!? Well goodness gracious!"

Peace, Love, and Joy,

LwoJ


P.S. Woooo the beach!!

Capote Support Group



The talented, caring, and hilarious GW professor H.G. Carrillo showed me this video the other day. I wanted to share it with DWTD Readers!

It's.... well, it is interesting.

xoxo,

LwoJ

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Artistically Sensitive Caveman (and others).


The Artistically Sensitive Caveman: Wakes up in the morning. Light shines into the cave just enough for him to see the artwork he made on the walls the night before in the dark. The self portrait he drew is accidentally on top of the drawing of the buffalo in the field. He curses the era into which he was born.

The 22-year-old Who Is Retired, but Not a Millionaire: He walks around and asks people around him, "What day is it? Friday? Ever since I retired, I can't keep track of the days." He also oft' makes references to projects he completed in high school, i.e. the book report he got an A on in honors English on the Harry Potter series Years I, II, III.

The Woman Who Believes That When People Ask Her For Analgesics or Band-Aids That She is The One Who Caused the Pain and Suffering, and She Takes Personal Offense:
Anecdote:
Friend: "Do you have any advil or tylenol? My head kinda hurts."
Sensitive-to-Analgesic Woman: "Is it something I did? It's my perfume isn't it? I can sponge bathe it off!"

Emo Animals.
Brief example: Lion: "King of the Jungle, but... whatever..."

Prison homosexual sex [sic] as a polite gesture or rehab group led by a nice woman who speaks in platitudes. "So, we're all here. Might as well make the best of a sad situation. When you've got lemons, make lemonade. Buddy Sytem!"


Peace, Love, and Joy,

Leah wife of Jacob and Keren Rhymes w/ Heron

"Under there!"--"Under where?"--"Hahaha..underwear!"


Last night I took one of the most necessary and most un-fun showers ever. Since I only take showers when I do laundry and I don't do laundry very often, you can imagine the manifold ways in which the shower was necessary.

So here is how this experience went down:

Ten long hours in the library in my special place that I always go to. That place, however, was hotter than ever. There was a maintenance guy brought in toward the end of my stay in the reading room who fixed the vent.

I trudged home, hanging my head. I passed one of my best friends and grumbled as I continued to walk by. (I felt bad when I hit the end of the block and realized I just blew her off.)

Upon returning home, I saw the shirts pants panties bras belts sweaters skirts dresses socks gloves hats mittens shorts and other sundry articles of clothing drooping around my room. I decided to get nude and do all my laundry (in one load, because I couldn't find any more than six quarters, and I only had $1.61 on my GWorld.)

So there I stood: Nude. Well, nude is relative.**

I hauled my laundry downstairs to the laundry room, and shoved it in the washer. Then I came back upstairs, showered for 30 of the 38 minutes laundry takes to wash.

Then, still Relatively Nude, I went back downstairs to put my wash in the dryer.

I then proceeded to go crazy for all 60 of the 60 minutes it takes to dry clothes, during which Keren and I discussed Granny Panties, pronouncing it "Granny Pannies." And then I picked up my laundry, and brought it back. (I guess I also folded it and put it away.)

End.

** So this post is really about what it means to be Relatively Nude:

Why, dear friends--dear women, do we keep those panties that we hate? The panties that are HUGE. The panties that are possibly holey and non-elastic where they used to be elastic? These panties are possibly flowered, or just plain cotton white, or some shade of white, or some have dots on them, or holiday print!

These panties are the ugliest panties that we own, and we never wear them unless we are washing ALL of our other underwear. Sometimes we even go commando when these panties are the only ones left in the bureau. A friend of mine sometimes even digs out not-so-dirty underwear and wears those panties when the "Granny Pannies" are alone next to our multitudes of unworn socks.

It's not like we MUST bring everything we own to college with us? We have an entirely good place to keep panties like these in our parents' homes, such as our dressers there. But we DO bring them. We CAN'T throw them out. I can't throw them out. Why????

O-curse the Immortality of the Granny Pannies!

Outtie, boo!

Leah, wife of Jacob

Keren, Rhymes w/ Heron

Peace!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tentative Correlations


A brief study in the humanity of Keren --

(Please visualize me writing this after having devoured a side of french fries but before having opened my bag of recently purchased Dark Chocolate Peanut M&M's, I am also in sweats and two-day oiled hair)


Times when Keren gains weight: Finals week, Winter hibernation, Stressful scenarios, holidays (any and all, including Memorial Day, all of Black History Month, The Day of the Dead and Septemeber 20th, National Punch Day)


Times when Keren loses weight: In the 48 hours preceeding a date, Summer, When she sees a joyous elderly couple and then imagines being lonely forever, After a breakup, During a moment of fitness actualization when she tries to prove weight loss infomercials wrong, Immediately after being informed of a death in the family (but not during the funeral/shiva...that's a weight gain), When existing in any room that has a full length mirror for over an hour.


Times when Keren maintains weight: Nullset.


What is college really but a time when students should grow and expand their waist and waste?


Continually broadening my pants size and literary horizons,


Keren, Rhymes w/ Heron

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Pulitzer Prize Winner at GW Tomorrow!


Edward P. Jones, author of The Known World, is reading tomorrow Wednesday, April 22 at 5pm on GW's campus in Philips Hall Room 411.

The Chair of the English Dept Dr. Jeffrey Cohen requested that Ducks attend. Well, Doctor, we accept! And we are inviting whomever reads this post in time and is in the area to come and join Ducks to sit and enjoy Magister's clean, deep voice as he reads from his collection of short stories All Aunt Hagar's Children.

(magister=latin for teacher)

Mr. Jones is a good man, and I have benefitted from his instruction these past few months.

He is also, like most great writers, a bit of an oddball. And I say this with respect, for how could a writer create such complete worlds and plots and feelings without occasionally leaving this world for a moment or two. I am always telling Keren that I believe I black out when I write sometimes. The next day, when I read my writing again, I can hardly remember writing what's written before me. Even these blog posts... I wake up after writing them, and then proceed to edit all the bad stuff out. For instance, one time I was going to write a blog post about how my friend can tell a lot about a person's life just by knowing what their poop looks like, and I was going to give myself as a model for his great skill. That post turned into a post about poop in general, and thank god for that... my mother reads this blog. Phew!

Anyway, so if you come to the reading tomorrow night, you will get the chance to meet a great person and an amazing writer! And also, you can get my autograph if you wish. I'm sure Dr. Cohen will also be signing autographs.

Peace, Love, and Joy,

Leah, wife of Jacob

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Headline: EARTH DAY BRAWL BTWN DUCKS, SWAMPY!






Moe, the Flaming Lips, and about ten screaming tweens in green tees were part of the entertainment for Earth Day 2009 on the Mall today. The stage was set up by the 9:30 Club, and it was set up perfectly so that directly behind the performers and speakers was the Capitol building. The day began beautifully, and even though it drizzled a bit toward the end, everyone still seemed happy to be there, smoking jays and drinking beers.

There were also these cool stands set up that highlighted people's research and findings in "green" engineering.

So... among great feats of engineering, well-hidden jays, and chill music were a lot of other things Ducks noticed. Here's a list of things we saw and/or learned:

1. Dude with dreads playing with a Kermit (the Frog) hand puppet, wearing all green and dancing with the puppet when the Lips came on.

2. Irish guy with BRIGHT orange shorts on, and you could see that he had a little peen.

3. Woman in tie dye who can't control her dog. It was sniffing everyone and was on its hind legs, standing up like a human, dancing with people when Moe was on stage.

4. Girl who was first standing up in a sleeping bag dancing, and then I guess she got too warm and then took off the sleeping bag to reveal that she was wearing Billabong swim trunks. And she also reminded Ducks why white girls shouldn't dance.

5. Dude with no shirt on, but using his shirt as a bag (he tied the sleeves) to hold beer. He was also wearing red heart-shaped sunglasses and was definitely under 21. He still had peach fuzz on his chin. Awwww, boy puberty! (actually, it's not really that cute)

6. POT SMOKE TALLY (as in # of times we smelled a jay like whoa): IIII IIII

7. Question: When did They coin the term the Green Generation???

8. The Congressman Markey forgot what the United States of America was called and said, "the United States of the Americas..."

9. Hippycritical Girl (term coined by Keren) offered to expose her breasts to people for $100

10. HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN WATER FILTER, in case you find yourself dying of thirst near a muddy river and happen to have all the things you need to do this:

Things you will need: a funnel, a bottle with top neck cut off, napkins, cotton balls, pebbles

a. Put the funnel on top of the bottle. Layer cotton balls, napkins, pebbles, cotton balls.

b. Pour dirty water over top of the layers through the funnel. Filtered water will drip into the bottle.

c. Repeat as many times as necessary to get clear water!!

d. LIVE!

11. Guys who looked like they could very well be serial killers, including John Wayne Gacy look-a-likes. After I asked if it was just me or do lots of men here look like serial killers, Keren said "Imagine a world where serial killers only killed other serial killers. John Wayne Gacy killing all other potential John Wayne Gacys."

12. SWAMPY! A man dressed up as a swamp with frogs on him.

Anecdote of Romance and Love, starring Keren and Swampy:

"I'm getting my hydrology all over you," says Swampy.

"Well, you know, life is all about fluid exchange," says Keren.

They embrace.

End.


Signed:

Leah, Wife of Jacob and Keren, Rhymes with Heron

SAVE THE EARTH!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Pity and Fear


These [pity and fear] are the two most universally relatable* emotions, which is why many of Shakespeare's comedies failed in the movies, i.e. Paul Czinner's As You Like It. Not only do earlier films have shitty sound, but isms such as racism, sexism, domesticabuseism are subjects in Shakespeare's comedies. Those subjects, for a great portion of modern viewers, are no longer considered humorous. So... today's movie-goer fails to relate to Shakespearean comedy.

Jessica Rabbit introduced to me today the term The Boomerang Generation. I'll copy and paste what the Wiki article says about this generation:

Boomerang Generation is one of several terms applied to the current generation of young adults in Western culture, born approximately between 1975 and 1986.[citation needed] They are so named for the frequency with which they choose to cohabitate with their parents after a brief period of living alone - thus boomeranging back to their place of origin. This cohabitation can take many forms, ranging from situations that mirror the high dependency of pre-adulthood to highly independent, separate-household arrangements. The term can also be used to indicate only those members of this age-set that actually do return home, not the whole generation.

As I was contemplating the relatability of tragedies, comedies, and histories to my generation, I thought about my two friends and how the universality of emotions fits right in with the Boomerang Theory:

I used to Pity my older friend (four years older) for coming back home after he graduated with an important degree from a good university, and now I just Fear that I will end up doing the same.

My younger friend (three years younger) is ending her freshman year of college this semester, and I can't relate at all to her all-smiles, excited-to-come-home-for-the-summer attitude. I've totally forgotten those feelings...


So there. It's all true.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Wordie Dacrygelosis


I recently had a friend break up. It doesn't happen very often. Usually a mini break up happens when both my friend and I happen to have horrible PMS simultaneously and a week later we are crying into each other's arms that we were stupid and we can't live without each other. Then everything pretty much goes back to normal.

This break up was of a more permanent kind... there were consequences to this person's actions and lies and also insults that cannot be repaired without honesty and sincerity. (although there is always hope for repair).

In my time off from our friendship, I began talking to another friend and he told me I should write a blog post about the rice site that gives children grains of rice if you know vocab. It was weird that he mentioned this because that site is actually one the of the many distractions that I have been engaging in during the past few weeks to cope with the overwhelming sense of Doom, Failure, Depression and Anxiety that has been looming. I find burrowing my mind in small tasks like the Rice for Third World Children calming, and I suppose helpful to the world (although I've never been one for charity in general).

All of the above got me thinking about this rice-vocab. And friendship. And doom and gloom.

Here's a little anecdote:

A girl walks down the street and thinks about her future. She smokes a cigarette.

Another girl walks down the street and thinks about her future. She bums a cigarette from the first girl.

Both girls, who were very lachrymose, recognize the weepy looks and burst out crying together. Then they laugh together.

A friend-commiseration-ship blossoms.

End.

I feel like this has happened to me at least once if not thrice in the past few weeks. I'm not really sure what this post is about except that maybe Words and Rice for Children are the answer to this dacrygelosis I (and one or three other people) are feeling.

Monday, April 6, 2009


VAMPIRES!

OMG. LOL.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Hey! Menotron, it's snowing!


While kids like me and you slowly reach the age of Disaffected Young Adulthood, moms like you choose Jiff! Actually, Moms like ours go through this thing called menopause. So, if we break down the Latin/Greek root words, we understand this word to mean, literally, the stop of the month. We all know it is just a euphemism for what it really means (covers mouth a giggles).

Just in case you don't know what it really means, I'll tell you in the form of a teeny story:

*
So this guy I know is talking to his best girl and he says, "Did your mom ever go through that crazy phase? You know, that menopause whatever?"

His best girl laughs and throws her head back--when she's nervous she often laughs too hard and this guy and this girl may or may not be hooking up in an hour or two-- and says, "Yeees! I know! It's just craazy."

"Ya, right. I came home from being out somewhere with my friends, and it's in the middle of winter, right? And I come into the front living room and she's got the windows open. The air's just blowin' right in. I said to her, 'Ma! Why you got the windows open? It's snowing into the house!'" The guys says.

The girl laughs.
*

Menopause is the reason that this woman left the windows open. This woman is what is known now as a Menotron. That is, a menopausal woman who, like a robot from the 80s, only acts on one program at a time. That program called Menopause may last for a year to eight years. The Planned Obsolescence of this programming is arbitrary and hits like a tornado. Unfortunately Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt aren't here to throw Dorothy into the 'suck zone' to figure out how we can warn people before it destroys homes.