Monday, February 23, 2009

The Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda Inventor

Pop Quiz: Who is not rich? The answer: Me.

Why is this? I ask myself this question daily when I am trying to afford expensive eau de toilettes, black truffles and Basmati rice!

(it's the most expensive long grain rice, you know, you have to be rich to even consider cooking a whole bag in one sitting. 3.00 dollars a bag! Steep!)

There are many reasons I am not opulent, affluent, moneyed or "rolling with it". These reasons might include my propensity for never acting on my ideas, or is may include my realization that every epiphany I have ever had has been "pre-epiphanied" years before. Simple objects. Simple inanimate gold mines.

For example, I did not invent the paperclip. I also did not invent the thumb tack. I did not invent sliced bread or even the wheel (I still believe cave drawings are remnants of the Stone-Age patent office ). I never even thought of inventing an aerosol can or an airbag. I cannot even fathom inventing Kool-Aid, nor can I explain how mirrors or bar codes work. But mainly, I am not rich because I did not invent velcro or the zipper.

I remember being more creative as a child. Has education stolen the power of innovation from my finger tips? I used to make 14 things out of a cardboard box, daily, in a homemade fort.

Let us brain storm and harness the power of the solar winds!

How about
something that lets me record exactly what my five senses are experiencing at any moment, and then save it? A REAL LIFE CAMERA. Oh wait, that's my brain. Maybe a a battery powered battery installer? But how do you get the batteries in it? Maybe my invention would have to be some sort of implant, because I'm already too lazy and bulky to carry more things around. How about something like reduced calorie peanut butter, it's ridiculous that someone hasn't been able to figure that out yet! Come on! We've sent men to the moon!

(I should invent something that stops me from using so many interjections and exclamation points)

Aha! By golly! Ye Gads! An Invention Machine. Guaranteed to invent successful inventions. It also produces irony!

Love, the failed inventor of our time, and still poor,

"Anything that won't sell, I don't want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success." - Thomas Alva Edison (who thinks I am not a utility)


Diego Garcia said...

What about electric scissors for cutting out "the family circus"?

Leah, wife of Jacob said...

electric scissors, believe it or not, already exist. Billy Mays sells them on TV.

"No King of England, unless also a King of France!"

-Henry V

T. Hariri said...

Brilliant post.
Truly well done.

How's this: a machine that can give you the illusion of happiness, if but for a little while; like, say, an illusion of requited love. I could have sworn I used to see something like that in a dollar store when I was a kid, I think they were jars of American air.


Diego Garcia said...

haha i know electric scissors exist! In fact: My mother had a pair. I remember them being really freaking hard to use.

I was actually trying to hint at a david cross skit in which he talks about electric scissors and battery operated battery installers.