Thursday, February 26, 2009

1/2 Carafe (or 1/2 C'rafe!)


Set the setting:

Keren and Leah having crazy episodes after dealing with Abbie W from the CCAS Fake Umbrella Advising System about graduation. They are at Bertucci's during Children's Literature on a Thursday, drinking many half carafes and making plans to open a wine bar called "The Half C'rafe Cafe". The billboard for The Half C'rafe Cafe would be Keren and Leah with their heads cocked almost parallel with the floor (to give the effect of being totally serious) with speech bubbles: one, from Keren, saying "Half" and the other, from Leah, saying "C'rafe!".

Sitch the Situation:

We ended up talking about Quitting Things for Fashion.

Spelunking:

When women were young and thin and could drape their bodies in anything and look 'oops, sexy' they went spelunking all the time. But now, with the matronly figure having set in, the gear for spelunking (the light on the head and ropes and clips hanging off and squeezing body parts) just isn't fashionable. So, women quit spelunking for fashion.

The Presidency:

The suits just weren't the president's style. Too drab. Too boring. Can't believe the three buttons! Akhh! When were the one or two button suits de-vogued? So, the president resigns for fashion.

I guess... the idea posed in this post is: What would be a good job to quit for fashion?


Crazy,

Leah, wife of Jacob
Keren, rhymes w/ Heron


Lovey!

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda Inventor


Pop Quiz: Who is not rich? The answer: Me.

Why is this? I ask myself this question daily when I am trying to afford expensive eau de toilettes, black truffles and Basmati rice!

(it's the most expensive long grain rice, you know, you have to be rich to even consider cooking a whole bag in one sitting. 3.00 dollars a bag! Steep!)

There are many reasons I am not opulent, affluent, moneyed or "rolling with it". These reasons might include my propensity for never acting on my ideas, or is may include my realization that every epiphany I have ever had has been "pre-epiphanied" years before. Simple objects. Simple inanimate gold mines.

For example, I did not invent the paperclip. I also did not invent the thumb tack. I did not invent sliced bread or even the wheel (I still believe cave drawings are remnants of the Stone-Age patent office ). I never even thought of inventing an aerosol can or an airbag. I cannot even fathom inventing Kool-Aid, nor can I explain how mirrors or bar codes work. But mainly, I am not rich because I did not invent velcro or the zipper.

I remember being more creative as a child. Has education stolen the power of innovation from my finger tips? I used to make 14 things out of a cardboard box, daily, in a homemade fort.

Let us brain storm and harness the power of the solar winds!

How about
something that lets me record exactly what my five senses are experiencing at any moment, and then save it? A REAL LIFE CAMERA. Oh wait, that's my brain. Maybe a a battery powered battery installer? But how do you get the batteries in it? Maybe my invention would have to be some sort of implant, because I'm already too lazy and bulky to carry more things around. How about something like reduced calorie peanut butter, it's ridiculous that someone hasn't been able to figure that out yet! Come on! We've sent men to the moon!

(I should invent something that stops me from using so many interjections and exclamation points)

Aha! By golly! Ye Gads! An Invention Machine. Guaranteed to invent successful inventions. It also produces irony!

Love, the failed inventor of our time, and still poor,
KRwH

"Anything that won't sell, I don't want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success." - Thomas Alva Edison (who thinks I am not a utility)

Friday, February 20, 2009

Ducks Wake Up to Daryl and Jon

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

People who are walking contradictions:


A Joycean Ramble;
Keren's version of Jerry Seinfeld's "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH..." :


It might just be the heightened level of estrogen I am experiencing this week or maybe it is the fact that everyone in my life is carrying some sort of winter plague, whatever the case may be, I am feeling AWFULLY judgmental.

While walking down the street, I cannot but help to have a bad case of "hate at first sight".

This afternoon, on my rain laden walk to work, a woman was carrying the most offensively large umbrella I have ever seen. It must have been blocking half of her body, the sidewalk and obscuring the view of the road and some of her neighbors. I am almost surprised she was able to see the "42 seconds" to cross, walking man. (Secretly, I was wishing she could not). In fact, the thing looked like something The Wicked Witch of the West would wear in order to keep herself from getting hit with even a speck of dew, as she disintegrates upon the touch of water.

But here's the kicker. This is the part that's rich. THE WOMAN WAS WEARING SANDALS.

I don't get it! Do you want to get wet? Do you not want to get wet?! Is your upper half more important than your lower half? Did you need to wash your feet?

Moral: A giant umbrella and open-toed sandals does not a complete, sensical person make.

Please start making sense! This lovely society that we belong to, entitled HUMANITY, is truly not that selective but, if you insist on being a contradiction, I will insist on retesting you for entrance examinations into HUMANITY. I ALSO INSIST ON USING RUN-ON SENTENCES.

Filled with Malice,
Keren

POSTSCRIPT: Next week's episode: People who leave those "100% Wool Tags" on their jackets. Idiots. If this were the Dark Ages and wool was only reserved for dedicated monks and the aristocracy, maybe then, one would gloat and let the world see this tag. Otherwise, you're saying "I am lazy, forgetful, and pathetic".

In the animal world, every physical and social act has an implication. Example, a cat yawning is a sign that he trusts his company. Showy feathers on a peacock is a sign of health and mating prowess.

Lest we forget, we too, are animals. Leaving this tag on is a sign that you are NOT ready to mate...at least not with me.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Do names determine profession?


If not for the fact that K and I keep our room generally very clean, I would have been ashamed to admit this: We have cockroaches in our apartment. We do! There, I said it.

Last semester was worse than this semester. We had hardly seen ten in all of January. Lately, however, they came back for another feeding. So I called the exterminator and he promptly came with his half keg of death hooked to a rubber tube for precision.

He is a hefty guy with white hair. Don't let the white hair fool you, he could lift you and your friend and spin you around like car tires just for show before throwing you like a discus. Although he has been here many times, I always feel really awkward when service men come in to the room. I don't know exactly why I feel like that, but I do. All the other times he has been here, I've coincidentally been ready to leave the room and let my roommate deal with it...sorry, Keren.

This time, having strep throat, I was hardly prepared for the knock--hid the candles in my room in case it was health and safety inspection-- and opened the door to Mr. Exterminator.

I awkwardly shuffled my feet around until he took his can of death out the room. But he left his card, and his name was George Clemons. I said as much aloud to Keren, who promptly responded:

"If there is a name appropriate for an exterminator, it's George Clemons."

That got me to thinking about Shakespeare's Richard III... he is rudely stamped and determined to be the villain. Is naming a child the modern day version of stamping them with their fate (as opposed to the olden day version which was left to God, but, you know, God is dead or something)? Can a name prove to be the thing! the it!, the thing that determines the child's future?

Of course not!

Bah! Nonsense.

But I say, if an African Elephant is the opposite of a Pear, then giving a child a name that sounds like the name of an exterminator, determines his path in life.

That just means that I'll have to name my first born son "King Edward" and my second child "Duchess Fergie" (that one could go either way... royalty or glamorous pop star).




Rotating Desserts, and some other good advice.



The best desserts are desserts that spend the day before you eat them rotating in a glass case.
Grouper always tastes like cardboard.
Unless you know the person is a newb, never make fun of someone for being a newb. My friend and I once had the following conversation in a diner on Columbia Avenue:
Her: Get me some camel lights. There's a Hess.
Me: No.
I then handed her one of mine so I wouldn't have to get her some at the Hess. And then lit my own.
Her: You burned your cigarette.
Me: Yea?
Her: Newb.
Me: What the hell do you do with your cigarettes? Newbie?
Her: No. Newb. Only Newbs say Newbie.

A fox always represents the devil, never a fox.
No artificial flowers allowed March 1st thru Nov 1st except holidays (in general for cemetaries).
When a ring that was given to you as a gift dissolves in your palm, it is a bad omen. Never see that person again alone. 
Always visit a graveyard on Christmas.
A friendly reminder is never really intended to be all that friendly. It's really just a reminder.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Nonsensical Opposites, Synonyms, and then at the end an Analogy or Two



Running<-->Smoking (weed)

Literacy<-->Being in a Relationship

Baldness<-->Having a Green Thumb

African Elephant<-->A Pear

Vegetarianism<-->Test Tube Babies

Egyptian Sexual Prowess<-->A Line of Executive Desk Toys

Getting the Goosebumps<-->A 60 Watt Light Bulb

Lumberjacks<-->Prize Winning Orchids

Facial Hair<-->All Saints (in radiating flames of glory)

A Deficiency<-syn.->Constipation

Brown vs. the Board of Education<-syn.->The Colossus of Rhodes

Craving Chocolate<-->Flesh Eating Bacteria


Judith Plotz volunteered these three:

JP1. Reaching Puberty<-syn.->Marriage
JP2. Jealousy<-syn.->Incestuousness
JP3. Mother<-syn.->Magical Tree


Feminine Hands<-->Penis

Masculine Hands<-->The Aristocracy

Macromastic<-->Filigree

Going to Prom<-->Being Loved (verily)

Judith Plotz is to Mother Goose as Peaches is to Sex Goose
(the defining sentence being JP teaches as a MG as P teaches as a SG)



Just a Note: We love love love Judith Plotz. She may or may not know we exist though... at least, she probably knows Keren, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know me. We love her though.


-LWoJ and KRwH


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Neolojism: The feeling of erotic joy resulting from exposure to a new word.


Leah and I have been really into inventing new words, as of late. We really dig nomenclature and vernacular! Sometimes we even dig colloquialisms and slang. Mostly, though, we love Onomatopoeia! Sha-Bam! Clank! Whoosh! Buzz!

We understand that some words are created and ultimately fail. For example, Yahoo's word of the day yesterday was :

"temerarious"

A million and seven points go to you if you know that word without googling it, also 34 DollHairs (which, when one says it quickly sounds like dollars, and can be used to trick unsuspecting children into giving back rubs...worked for my uncle). Weird.

Anyway, I consider it a failed word. Here are other failed words, that at the time, probably seemed really necessary (which when one reads some of the definitions below, is actually surprising, pathetic, and terrifying). Clickity Clank!

Before we begin, an ironic side-note, even the word that by definition means, an obsession with words is failed! Logolepsy! Transitively speaking, this post is antiquated. Sigh!

In No Particular Order -
  • gabelle - n. - tax on salt
  • wappenshaw - n. - muster of men with their weapons formerly held in certain areas of Scotland.
  • balaniferous - adj. - bearing acorns.
  • zoanthropy - n. - delusion of a person who believes himself changed into an animal.
  • macromastic - adj. - pertaining to large breasts
  • isohyet - n. - line on map passing through all places with same rainfall.
    • isohyetal, adj.
  • squatinid - adj.,n. - pertaining to an angelfish.
  • omnilegent- adj. - reading or having read everything; having encyclopedic curiosity and knowledge
      • Question: Was there a time when someone was truly able to be omnilegent?
  • rosmarine - n. - walrus; mythical walrus-like sea animal believed to feed on dew; sea dew.
  • xystus - n. - indoor exercise area.
  • postmundane - adj. - after the end of the world.
  • prelapsarian - adj. - pertaining to the time before Man's fall.
    • Gosh, these "P" words are scary. What happened to words like Petunia and Pretty and Pleasant?! Boink! Whizz!
  • noyade - n. - drowning, especially of many persons together as form of execution.
  • dacrygelosis - n. - condition of alternating laughing and crying
    • This one seems WHOLLY NECESSARY. I do this all the time. Finally! I can articulate how I am feeling! So happy, so sad. So confused, so elated. So embarrassed, so proud! These are the emotions I experience every time I am in the bathroom. Dacrygelosis.

Enough. What I am really asking here, through all the subterfuge is this, if you could create a new word, what would it be? We (being Leah and myself) shall look up Latin roots and come up with something so snazzy for you it'll put you into a state of dacrygelosis.

להתראות

KRw/H

P.S. I personally want to invent a word for the smell/taste of when you forget to brush your teeth and then have coffee. YOWZAS! SHWING!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I just whispered to myself: "Just Lasagna"


My Lasagna Body

a poem by Leah

Instead of bones:
Cooked lasagna pasta
slippery noodle hooked 
to my toe.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Ducks was published on Urban Dictionary!


Click THIS link or copy and paste this URL

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=philacaia

to see Ducks, the Blog's first entry on Urban Dictionary!

We finally made it!

Love,

LWoJ and KRwH

Words You May Wish to Start Using


Keren and I, if I may say so (oh, I can feel my cheeks blushing), are quite excellent in Neologism. Here are a couple examples that you may feel free to begin using.

philacaia (fil-uh-ki-uh. long i): someone who smokes a lot of pot, but isn't a pothead.
i.e., there are many functional, ambitious, hardworking people who, because they enjoy a sleeping bowl or an afternoon joint with some friends, are what we lovingly and respectfully call philacaias.

intaedesse (in-tuh-dess): the point at which one loses interest
i.e., while reading the introduction (to What Maisie Knew) by some woman who called herself Adrianne Poole, I found I reached the intaedesse around page ix.

Please, oft use them freely.

love,

leah, wife of jacob

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Furin's and the Fog Bot Gardening Club




Perhaps you may not think that Furin's (the best cupcake place in the world) and the Foggy Bottom Gardening Club (the club that plants plants in barrels near the 7Eleven on 24th street near City Hall Dorm) have nothing in common.

Jason Mraz and Ben Folds are coming to DC on Friday, February 13th. What an unlucky coincidence; that is the day after my birthday, so many many people will still be waaaay too hungover and possibly even still black out to attend the concert. Oh well! Maybe next year, Ben Folds (Five).

Furin's is on 28th Street and M Street. For real, get the Chocolate Mousse Cupcake with a heart on it and perhaps ask--politely--to give the cupcake their 'special treatment' ;) It's worth it. 

Lovey,

Leah, wife of Jacob

Batman's Panties in a Bunch


http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

Hmm.... ooh. Well... wings, guns, and the news apparently aren't enough for true happiness. All DP's must die.