Monday, October 20, 2008

Apple Picking

Keren Veisblatt went apple picking this past weekend. I know... you may be thinking: what? Keren picking apples? Nooooo. She's so Philly. She's so city. She's so.....flyyy. But hear ya, hear ya (not here ye): Apple picking has been an urban sport since the time of the ancient Romans. Not only was it a sport of great intensity and excitement, but it also begun Christianity.

I know a whole lot about Roman history, and therefore I know a lot about Paganism and Christianity, which are pretty much the same thing, but some of the figures in Paganism have wings. So basically, this is how it goes: Plinius, the younger, wrote the following about the sport of apple picking in the city of Rome. Because he says it better than I can, I'll quote:

"Ais te adductum litteris, quas, exigenti tibi, de morte avunculi mei scripsi, cupere cognoscere, quos ego Miseni relictus (id enim ingressus abruperam) non solum metus verum etiam casus pertulerim.

'Quamquam animus meminisse horret, ...incipiam.'

Profecto avunculo, ipse reliquum tempus studiis (ideo enim remanseram) impendi; mox balineum cena somnus inquietus et brevis. Praecesserat per multos dies tremor terrae, minus formidolosus quia Campaniae solitus; illa vero nocte ita invaluit, ut non moveri omnia sed verti crederentur."

And therefore, because all the whores in the stadium rushed the trees, picked the apples, and threw them at all the gallant, dominating, pig-headed, Women-hating, rapist-like gladiators, the Bible now says that it was the Woman--Eve-- who picked the apple.

Anyway, the point of all this is: Keren Veisblatt went apple picking, and THAT'S OKAY!

Apparently she wasn't that successful at it... only two of them even look like apples.


Diego Garcia said...

Are you going to make something out of your apples?

Keren said...

First of all I'm famous,
Secondly, as a Jew, I cannot believe I partook in a such a overtly Christian ritual. It was as intense and obvious as getting baptized and I had no idear.

Thirdly, and finally, I am going to make something so good that it is going to make you say, "HOW BOUT DEM APPLES".

count it.

Leah Webster said...

First, I'll begin by saying that I am actually never wrong.

Secondly, I'll continue by proving it.

Thirdly, I'll prove it by saying that not only was Paganism and Christianity influenced by the ancient Roman male tradition of apple picking, but also so was Judaism influenced.

Either way, it's the Old Testament. Good ol' O.T.

As an atheist and a moralist and a humanist, I'd like to say that much of Roman History is only a Willed Creation anyway, and what is true is really only what is present.

As Amy Hempel would say:


Ker Sblatt said...

What is success really but only a transcendental idea? You cannot fail at something abstract!

It is good that I did not eat many apples, and this is why I totally succeeded:

The apple:

G-d told Adam not to eat the apple. Then G-d indicated to Adam that he should inform Eve of the prohibition, this can be found in the Midrash (aka: Hebrew Scriptures from 400 till 1200 ad).

Transitively, according to O.T. We are all descendent's of Adam and Eve. Since they were not allowed to eat the apple, and told their children should do the same, so too should we NOT be eating apples.

Anyway, apparently Apples were our first sin or something.

So, as American as Apple Pie, is actually saying we're a country eating Sin Pie.

Tasty Sin. Sin Crisps. Caramel cover sin. Bobbing for sin.

Stefan Von Rounds said...

Did I just read Leah Webster self-describing herself as a moralist?

David said...

ker splatt, it was pomegranates. Which we already don't eat in America. In fact, they eat them all over the Mediterranean, proving that they are no longer the holy land. This leaves America, thus proving Mormonism to be correct.

This means that God loves American over all other countries, so we should vote for our Christians (McCain) for president, not Muslims (they eat pomegranates).

Don't worry about how this works, it just does.

kara-the-pirate said...

unrelated to apple picking...Leah have you heard of the DC Figure Models Guild? You get paid to get be a nuddy-pants model for artists and art classes. I thought of you right away when I heard about it, lol. You should do it!